November 25th, 2011, I'm on the way to Austria to see 30 Seconds To Mars. I only go there because I think they're kind of a big deal, even though I only know the two songs they casually play on the radio. Apart from Jared, I don't even know the other band members. I have zero expectations, I only want to have a great night.
We line up to get inside, the venue is not that big so we make it to the front. Not the first row but we're still quite close to the stage. The supporting acts are weird, I don't really pay attention. I'm getting more excited with every minute that's passing, the whole atmosphere is excited and relaxed at the same time. The supporting acts are gone, they play parts of Mars' music videos on a screen behind the stage. Fifteen minutes pass, thirty minutes pass, I get annoyed. I hate waiting for somebody. After one hour the lights finally go out, the crowd goes wild, Shannon and Tomo step on the stage. I still don't know who they are but it doesn't matter. As soon as Jared appears, all hell breaks lose and they start playing. Obviously I don't know the lyrics so I can't sing along but I'm fascinated by Jared. The way he performs totally captures me, there's no way I could take my eyes off him. I've been to some concerts before but no singer or band interacts so much with the crowd like Jared does. He gets somebody on stage to play Would You Rather: "Would you rather drink your own pee or the blood of a stranger here?" The poor guy is completely overchallenged so he doesn't really answer but the rest of us has so much fun watching this.
We're about halfway through the set, I sweat so much that my hair is wet, there's an elbow pressed against my ribs and somebody's junk against my butt but I've never felt more alive. Jared starts announcing the next song: "Tonight I want you to let go. Let go of all the bad things, the things that bother you. Forget about school or your job or your boyfriend. I want you to dance like there's no tomorrow, you hear me?"
They start playing Closer To The Edge and it feels like life just slapped me right in the face. Suddenly I realise how unhappy I am, how much I hate my life. However, I also realise that I can change it. I tell myself that I'll start tomorrow because now I have to concentrate on what's happening on stage.
Around four months later I'm in the middle of my finals. There's so much pressure on me that I can barely breathe. Pressure from school and all the work I have to do, all the papers I have to go through, all the info I have to get into my mind in order to graduate. The pressure I put on myself because I'm a loser anyway, I won't be able to make it, I'll horribly fail and the people at school will be right in the end. I am stupid, worthless, nothing. I can barely stand it. I barely get out of bed in the morning, I skip classes when I just can't handle it. This is the first time that I think about ending this. I wonder how many pills I'd have to take in order to fall asleep and never wake up again. I wonder if the river next to my house is deep enough to drown myself, I wonder which knife I should use to make it quick. These thoughts haunt me, they settle in my mind and don't leave. Nobody really knows, I keep smiling and nodding so everybody thinks I'm okay. Just stressed because of the finals.
However, I fight against it. I fight against myself, against the thoughts. I only listen to 30 Seconds To Mars, they give me strength. They teach me that dreams are possible. My dreams aren't gone yet, they're in the back of my mind, waiting for their big moment. Every morning when I wake up, I listen to This Is War. I go to school, I listen to Closer To The Edge. I go to sleep, I listen to Alibi. I do this every single day until I suddenly graduate, I'm officially free, I'll never have to go back to this horrible place that almost took my life.
30 Seconds to Mars announce their break, it sounds like they never come back, the whole music world discusses what's going on. They offer a live stream for their last concert in New York in the middle of the week, I have to go to school once again on the next day, because of the time difference the concert starts at 1am. My parents think I lost my mind, I go to bed at 8pm to catch at least some sleep. I watch the whole concert until 4am, I cry when it's over, I go back to bed and sleep for another four hours. I'm literally dead on the next day but it was so worth it.
Today is May 11th 2013. I went through all the bad things, I'm still alive, I'm getting better. I want to live again. When people mock others for saying that music saved their life, they obviously haven't experienced the power music can have. They obviously don't know how it feels to be at the lowest point of your life, they don't know how hard it is to make your way up again. People leave because they're scared or overchallenged or ignorant but music never leaves no matter how horrible you feel. 30 Seconds To Mars are back with new songs and a new tour, I'll see them again very soon, ready to celebrate them. Ready to make my dreams come true.
Thank you Jared, Shannon and Tomo. Thank you for the best concert I've been to so far, thank you for all the things you taught me, thank you for the memories and thank you for keeping me alive.
